Attendance

Just a few months ago, I returned to the Church. I started going to Mass. Soon, I even resolved to give up having sex with my fiance until our wedding, so that I could go to Confession, and then Communion. The poor guy isn't even Catholic, but he was willing to attempt this with me, with only minimal complaints. Every once in a while, we'd fall off the wagon, but I'd head back to Confession, resolved to sin no more.

Soon this arrangement started to seem hypocritical. Once we'd had a few "falls," going to Confession became farcical. I knew I was going to "fall" again. Knowing this, how could I, in good conscience, confess? I decided to stop going to Communion, until I was ready to honestly resolve not to have sex again until the wedding.

This too, seemed silly. I was back where I had started, going to Mass, but unable to go to Communion. Receiving Christ in the Eucharist is what Mass is all about -- what Catholicism is all about. And here I am, unable to participate, feeling farther and farther from grace.

A couple of weeks ago, I was too lazy to get out of bed, and I missed Mass. My church offers a Sunday evening Mass, but I couldn't attend that because I was meeting my father in Toronto and taking him out for dinner for Father's Day. So I missed Mass entirely, for the first time since my return to the Church.

It's much more difficult to get together the motivation to get out to Mass when I know I won't be partaking in the Eucharist. I know that missing Mass is a mortal sin, but what's one more mortal sin? Just something else to confess, before I can go back to Communion. Add it to the list.

And then, last weekend, I entirely forgot about Church. I went to a party Saturday night, and then spent Sunday cleaning the apartment and just hanging around. Mass didn't even occur to me until the next day, when I realized I'd missed it entirely.

Obviously, just a few months of church-going has not made it enough of a habit. Equally obviously, not taking Communion makes attendance at Mass less important to me... whether that's because I feel that Communion is the focal point of the Mass, and it doesn't hold the same visceral appeal for me without being able to partake, or whether that's because I'm farther from God's grace without partaking of his Life-giving bread.

I can't go to Communion when it's against the rules ... even when I'm not sure that I agree with those rules. It would feel blasphemous, as if I'm not respecting the very Church that taught me of transubstantiation, as if I have no respect for the Body of Christ as Church and as Host.

I guess I'm going to have to head off to Confession again, and make that same resolution over again. And pray for the determination to see that resolution through. The problem is, I feel guilty for forcing my non-Catholic partner to abstain with me. Guilty if I do, guilty if I don't. It's certainly a common enough Catholic problem. I should count myself lucky that I am getting married in a few months. Some people are in the same dilemma as myself, without an end to its duration. What if my partner were a woman? What if I didn't want to get married? Then I'd have problems. Kind of makes me feel guilty for griping about my little issue.

There's that guilt again.